Friday, 25 May 2012

The Six Year Olds on the Rollercoaster nearly went wrong

I think that if you choose to have kids, you have got to have a stratum of masochism in you. And by this, I am assuming that masochism equates to relinquishing hedonism ........ but I might be wrong. Masochism is one of those things where it is difficult to define it's opposite. A bit like a bacon sandwich.

When I say having a kid means relinquishing hedonism, it is because you have to give up nearly all your free time into looking after them. So imagine how crazy you would have to be, to take not just one, but two sprogs to a theme park! Actually, ignore the masochism bit (this is getting confusing) because theme parks are the dogs danglies.

Yep, not long ago, Steve and I decided (my idea) to take Izzy and one of her bessie chums (whom I shall call Sprog B), for a fun-filled day down south. We were headed to Paulton's Park ....... somewhere that had received rave reviews because of its ability to cater for kids of all ages (which kind of included me).

When the day in question arrived, we jumped into my bling machine, programmed the sat nav and hit the highway. But it soon became apparent that I hadn't actually properly checked where Paulton's Park was ..... and about half an hour into the journey, Steve pointed at the Sat Nav screen and exclaimed loudly, "bloody hell, it is next to Southampton!"

Which is a long way from Oxfordshire, I can tell you (about 2 hours).

But what was a gal to do? I had psyched up the sprogs, we were half an hour into the journey ..... I had no option but to press on. And press-on we did .... and I am bloody glad we did because it was a top banana day out.

And because I am kinder to children than Mother Theresa, but in a more flashy way, I have got some photographs for you. 

Pic.No.1 After arriving at Paulton's Park, Izzy and Sprog B started the day gently by whizzing around in a flourescent caterpillar

Pic.No.2 And then it was on to the still-quite-tame 'Jumping Jack'

Both of the gals were quite gregarious even though they were only 6, so it was only a matter of time before they were hollering for more adrenalin.

Pic.No.3 But not before I had been humiliated by accompanying them on a weedy kids ride called the 'Magic Carpet'

Pic.No.4 Izzy and Sprog B showed their love in between rides

Pic.No.5 Or before we had taken them to 'Peppa Pig Land' - a separate area within Paulton's park. It was designed for younger kids, so although Izzy and Sprog B thought it was 'pants', toddlers would be in their element

Pic.No.6 The time had arrived. Izzy and Sprog B wanted to go on rides that were faster and more exciting. So I decided we should have lunch before embarking upon the next stage. That way, they would have something to chuck up. I am thoughtful like that

Pic.No.7 Izzy and Sprog B positively sprinted to the next area of the park - the one with all the grown-up fast rides (it looks like Izzy has bagged a ride in her friend's wig - even though it wasn't a wig)

Pic.No.8 They sprinted right past an orangey coloured pigeon-type bird without even noticing it

Pic.No.9 And then they found the 'Log Flume'

Pic.No.10 And decided that your's truly was going to be the first person to accompany them. Yep, I got doused in bright blue stagnant water

Pic.No.11 After laughing at my plight on the log flume, Steve soon got his come-uppance after the gals insisted that he take them on the 'Pirates Ship'. It was was of those barf rides - going up and down and round and round ... at the same time

But then we came to the grand finale. A proper fast grown-up roller coaster called the Cobra. 

"Are you sure you want to go on this?" I asked them with a serious expression on my face, "it is a really fast ride."

And because kids egg each other on, they both shouted, "YES!"

"Ok let's go," I said, gravely leading them into the roller coaster queue which consisted mainly of spotty teenagers trying to cop off with each other.

Finally, it was our turn to board one of the cars, and I have to say that I was little bit hesitant about taking the gals on. Mainly because they were only 6, and I had witnessed kids double their age begging for mercy upon disembarking. 

Hell, nothing ventured, nothing gained ......... and Steve was inspired enough to capture it all on video. Good boy. Well done. 

Vid.No.1 Izzy's first ever ride on a proper roller coaster. Her best quote of the ride ...."AAAAAH IT'S NEARLY PULLING MY HEAD OFF!"

Vid.No.2 Sprog B's first ever ride on a proper roller coaster. Her best quote of the ride ..... "I DON'T CARE. I DON'T CARE IF IT'S SCARY!"

Vid.No.3 This is what the roller coaster is like when you ride it facing forwards

I have to say that it was bloody awesome. I was a bit worried when we hit the initial ascent and both gals were screaming and sobbing, "I DON'T LIKE IT! I WANT TO GET OFF!" 

Aw crap, I was sweating and shaking like a shitting dog, thinking that I had over-estimated their daring. I gestured to Steve, 'what do we do?' He just shrugged back at me in a helpless manner. Fair play, we were 20 metres up in the air, and there was not much we could do to rewind the situation. 

But hell, that was all poppycock. It turned out that they bloody loved it. In fact they rode the Cobra five more times. Yeh, those six-year-olds are me homeys. Boyakkkashaaa!

Pic.No.12 And to round the day off, I bought them some comedy candy teeth to celebrate their daring. And they scoffed them on the way home

I have to say that Paulton's Park was a bloody brilliant day out. If you have kids aged between 2-13, there is tons of stuff for them all. [Note to Paulton's Park - do I get a discount?]

So what are you up to this sunshiney weekend my dahlink?

Monday, 21 May 2012

Just in case you are not my friend on Facebook

Here is a picture that I posted on there today.

It is my mutt eating cow shit off a mole-hill.

Pic.No.1 Naughty George is a manky bastard

I spent all day fretting, and rueing the fact that my dog likes eating excrement. It's just weird, and I don't think that even Listerine is gonna help with his breath (not that I could make him gargle, mind).

In fact the only thing that cheered me up was a comment from my Canadian pal, Brahm who said .......... "Ours only have access to rabbit shit, which they gobble up like candy."

Dogs are most definitely NOT the kings amongst animals. 

Saturday, 19 May 2012

Come and Join me Dahlink - with a trip to Leicester (yep, Leicester)

You may remember that a couple of weeks ago, I helped my cousin Jane move house (again). Well, last week I drove up to visit her in her new abode in Anstey, Leicestershire.

She persuaded me by promising that; "we'll only do fun stuff and you won't have to lift a single sofa."

"You're not belming me are you?" I asked suspiciously.

"Nope, truly. We will not be doing any work," she assured me.

Marvellous. And with that in mind, I lobbed some luggage into my jalopy, shoehorned Naughty George into the boot (or 'trunk' if you are foreign), and set the Sat-Nav for Anstey. All systems were go.

Pic.No.1 That's my jalopy. It took 1 hour and 15 minutes to drive to Anstey, with Naughty George honking and guffing the entire duration of the journey. I nearly barfed

Finally I arrived at her house in Leicestershire.

We greeted each other, and I quickly ascertained that even though she had lived there for three whole weeks, she had no plans to move. Abso-bloody-lutely amazing given that if I had to assign her a nickname it would be STM - 'super-transient-moose'.

"I thought we could spend the day visiting Leicester," she said when I asked her what the plan was.

"Leicester?" I asked incredulously, "what is that famous for, except cheese?"

"It's got good shops .... ?" she proffered hesitantly.

"You are taking me bloody shopping aren't you?" I said suspiciously, looking at her sideways (N.B. I don't like shopping unless the object has an engine).

"It's only shopping if you buy something," she pointed out, "otherwise it'll be browsing."

"You git, that's bloody semantics," I admonished, before resignedly adding, "ok, let's go to Leicester. To be fair I haven't been there before."

Jane grinned at me before bounding to the car.

And because I am kinder than 'Mild Green Fairy Liquid', I have got some pictures for you.

Without further ado ......................... please let me introduce ......................... Leicester! (a city I had never wanted to visit, but which ended up performing remarkably well in the entertainment stakes).

Pic.No.2 Leicester had more historic buildings than I expected

Pic.No.3 This was a fountain situated in a gorgeous sunny square just off a main road with some comedy running statues in the foreground

Pic.No.4 Look there is a 'Poundtastic' shop in the background and it was the first one we encountered. My heart sank - it's never a good omen for quality shops. That is Jane pushing Mitchell in the pram

Pic.No.5 But luckily my fears weren't founded - the sun was out and it being in Leicester felt like being abroad because of the large mix of difference ethnicities - it was totally exoctic man. This is the entrance to Leicester's famous market

Pic.No.6 Oops those two people probably thought I was photographing them which is why they are staring at me. I hate it when that happens

Pic.No.7 Inside Leicester market. And another bird giving me strange looks for taking photographs of grapes. I just loved the explosion of colour

Pic.No.8 Hey everybody, come and see how good looking I am! This is me outside a fabric stall in Leicester market. It's vibranter than a kaleidoscope

Pic.No.9 The time was pushing 1.30pm and we were getting hungry. Lucky that we stumbled across this market stall then - it was called Top Nosh, and it specialised in 'chicken tikka kebabs' freshly cooked to order

Pic.No.10 This is what I look like when I am waiting for a kebab

Pic.No.11 This is what Jane looks like when she is waiting for a kebab

Pic.No.12 This is what Mitchell looks like when he doesn't give a shit about kebabs

Pic.No.13 This is my freshly cooked 'double chicken tikka kebab with mint and chilli sauce and extra salad'. If I had a choice between boffing Brad Pitt or scoffing that kebab, Brad would be going home in a taxi every time. It was sex in a chapati

Pic.No.14 Right next door to the Top Nosh stall was a Bird of Prey exhibition. With real birds mind, not those stuffed moth-eaten types

Pic.No.15 There were two owly-type birds, but the best thing was the chick underneath their perch that looked a little worse for wear. Remember. Chicks and vodka do not mix

Pic.No.16 There was a bloody great eagle type thing sat on it's perch too

Pic.No.17 You put your left claw in, your right claw out ..... do the hokey cokey and shake it all about

After lunch, we left the market and ambled over to the Moroccan part of Leicester. Basically the Moroccan quarter constitutes a whole street devoted to eastern fayre. It was like being transported abroad.

Pic.No.18 A view of the Moroccan market. It was heart-warmingly lively

Pic.No.19 All the stores were like mini-souks with traditional moroccan products. Basically if it wasn't for tagine's and leather slippers, Morocco's GDP would be in the doldrums

Pic.No.20 A smiley lady in one of the Moroccan stalls. I have been to Morocco I have. But I wasn't that keen on it - I was constantly hassled by hawkers, and there were bits of dead chicken in the street

Vid. No.1 Looky here! Some random blokes playing pan-pipes in a Leicester square

Pic.No.21 This is Mitch scoffing a blueberry muffin. Poor chap had just woken up and was a bit dazed

Pic.No.22 And then the improbably happened. My cousin Jane persauded me to have my eyebrows threaded (bloody hurt) and dyed. This is me in the stylist's chair. Jane said I looked like Burt Reynolds

All I know is that we had to walk all the way back to the car with my eyes red and swollen. I looked like a bloomin' boxer. You will be happy to learn that it did eventually dye (ha ha!) down a bit, and looked ok I suppose.

So that was my day out in Leicester - a place that performed way better than it's reputation. In fact I would definitely go there again.

Have you been there? And what the blazes are you up to this weekend dahlink?

Monday, 14 May 2012

Top 30 Funny Dogs of All Time

I developed a new hobby last week. After accidentally stumbling across my Taxidermy gone wrong blog post again, I decided that comedy animals were the way forward.

In particular, comedy dogs. So I spent ages amusing myself by collecting funny dog pictures that I found on the internet. I could amuse myself indefinitely with virtually no external stimuli I could.

And because I am like Mother Theresa, except that my eyebrows are more coiffed, I have included some of my favourite pictures for you ........ enjoy.

Pic.No.1 I've got something stuck in my teeth

Pic.No.2 Blimey, I wouldn't like to encounter that on a dark night

Pic.No.3 Is this the thickest mutt in the whole of Christendom?

Pic.No.4 The brakes weren't working properly

Pic.No.5 The bells, the bells ........ a real-life 'Elephant Mutt'

Pic.No.6 God yeh ....... I love my owner "this much." Honestly

Pic.No.7 That man's trousers are too short

Pic.No.8 There's got to be a Darwin award in there somewhere

Pic.No.9 Are you sure they aren't Gremlins?

Pic.No.10 It wasn't me

Pic.No.11 Who threw that?

Pic.No.12 Salvador Dali dog

Pic.No.13 Was I bad in a previous life?

Pic.No.14 Don't even think about taking the piss ...............

Pic.No.15 Sigh ...... I was a mighty warrior in my last life

Pic.No.16 Ha ha. Very funny .... now can I go for a nap?

Pic.No.17 I always wandered how dishwashers worked

Pic.No.18 Thank god that we don't have a follow-on picture of the white mutt's face

Pic.No.19 If you are in trouble, and if you can find him, you too can hire 'Paperbag Dog'

Pic.No.20 What's seen, cannot be unseen ..... what the hell's lurking behind that labrador's ear?

Pic.No.21 You've dressed me as an AT-AT?! What about my street-cred man?!

Pic.No.22 It's all about that 'Swiss Finishing School' dahlink

Pic.No.23 I look like a dick

Pic.No.24 This gives new meaning to the phrase 'you gangly twats'

Pic.No.25 Hey man, you're in my space

Pic.No.26 Faithful? Yes. Clever? Errrrr ....... nope

Pic.No.27 God-dog prays for extra sausages

Pic.No.28 Sorry mate, I thought you were a rug

Pic.No.29 Always go incognito in a strange neighbourhood

Pic.No.30 Run for your life ............ it's a dangerous twig

Pic.No.31 Awwww ...... look at little Johnny colouring-in the family pet. Bless

Pic.No.32 Any excuse to flash the 'California Smile'

So dahlink, I hope you enjoyed my new collection of comedy dog pictures. Do you like collecting any random stuff? And what the devil are you doing with yourself this week?

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